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// Thoughts on Growth \\

I want to say I’ve come a long way in the past two years, but the truth is, I haven’t really.

Yes, it’s true I’ve made some decisions that have helped me stand on my own two feet, and I’ve gotten and kept jobs which I never thought I’d be able to do.

But my anxiety is still holding me back.

The most noticeable place I feel my anxiety kick in, is at the gym. Two years ago, I felt like I could go to any gym and feel confident in myself and my workouts. However, now I can’t even stay in the gym for an hour before I panic and need to leave. It’s a combination of not feeling good about the way I look and the paranoia that everyone is looking at me, judging me.

As of right now, I don’t have to go to the gym because I created one at home. Solved that problem.

But in the long run, it doesn’t really solve anything. I just end up avoiding the whole situation and stay in my comfort zone at home.

I did go to the gym last week just because I had a free day pass, and it was terrible. I felt overwhelmed and uneasy but the most frustrating thing about it was how horrible I felt about my body. I didn’t feel strong. I looked in the mirror and saw a thin, depressed girl. It made me want to cry, so I worked through my sets and left.

Working out at home, I don’t have mirrors, so it’s been hard to really see myself. Going to the gym that day made me realize that I needed to reevaluate my health. If I’m being honest with myself, I haven’t been eating very much and tend to skip meals altogether at work, yet I always come up with some excuse why I couldn’t eat. ‘there wasn’t anything to eat’ or ‘I just didn’t have time’.

So in terms of eating, I’d say I have some work to do. The voices from the eating disorder are still there, louder than ever it seems, and it’s tough to tune them out and push through. They have been affecting my thinking and I know it. There’s no way around the truth, and the truth is: I am falling backwards. 

On the more positive note, and I’ve talked about this before. I feel like my communication skills have greatly improved in the last two years. Mainly because of my relationship with J. He has really pushed me to express myself and say what’s on my mind. At first it was annoying, and I felt challenged by him. But now I know he does it out of love and I know now how beneficial communication really is.

I still have improvements to make obviously, but I have been able to voice my opinions and concerns more easily, as well as my hopes and dreams, which makes everything run more smoothly, especially in the relationship. When we are on the same page and know where one another’s head is at, it’s easier to understand each other, But it’s also been helping at work. Just allowing me to speak up and make my voice known, whether it’s about something bothering me or just letting people know what’s going on during the day.

It’s a bumpy road. Changing. Growing. It’s overwhelming for me, mostly because I feel like I have so many things to work on, I’m not sure where to start. Lately though, I’ve been trying to just keep reiterating that I’m trying my best and everything will work out. If I can keep thinking positively, then I’ll figure things out, I’ll continue to make small changes towards becoming a stronger version of myself.

It truly is all about being more positive, and acting less like a victim.

Anxiety, Life, Personal