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October 2016

What Are You Afraid Of?

What are you afraid of?

I came across this question recently and couldn’t get it out of my mind.

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of being a failure, of never being enough. This really scares me. It scares me so much that I will avoid doing things in order to keep myself safe and secure in my comfort zone. I fear any kind of failure. I fear the feeling of failure. I fear the feeling of not being enough, enough for others, enough for myself.

I am afraid of judgement, of people not liking me. I fear that I’ll never be anything that people hope me to be, or that no one will ever like me for who I am. I am afraid of saying the wrong things, wearing the wrong clothes, making the wrong mistakes. People always judge, and that scares the hell out of me.

I am afraid of not living my life. A weird fear, since sometimes I think life is pointless, but what’s the point of life if you don’t follow your dreams? What’s the point of being alive if you’re not actually doing the things you want to do? I am afraid of never reaching my dreams, following my heart, going where my drifter soul wants to go.

I am afraid of being close to people. Opening up to people is so freakin’ scary because there is always the risk that they won’t get you, or they’ll judge you, laugh at you, pretend they care and then leave you. I don’t like getting close to a lot of people in fear they’ll think I’m clingy or annoying. I hate feeling like I’m annoying.

I am afraid of being sad. I kind of laughed when I wrote this one down because I feel like I’m such a paradox. I want to be happy, yet I thrive on things that make me sad. That’s confusing. Maybe it’s because when I am feeling happy, I usually think I don’t deserve it, so I hold onto the things that bring me sadness.

I am afraid of regret. I am afraid I’ll regret things I’ve done, and regret things I haven’t done. Like there’s no win-win. Sometimes I find it odd when people say they want to have no regrets, but is that even possible? I feel like we will always regret something.

Apparently I am afraid of everything. Life is great.