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feelings

What Are You Afraid Of?

What are you afraid of?

I came across this question recently and couldn’t get it out of my mind.

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of being a failure, of never being enough. This really scares me. It scares me so much that I will avoid doing things in order to keep myself safe and secure in my comfort zone. I fear any kind of failure. I fear the feeling of failure. I fear the feeling of not being enough, enough for others, enough for myself.

I am afraid of judgement, of people not liking me. I fear that I’ll never be anything that people hope me to be, or that no one will ever like me for who I am. I am afraid of saying the wrong things, wearing the wrong clothes, making the wrong mistakes. People always judge, and that scares the hell out of me.

I am afraid of not living my life. A weird fear, since sometimes I think life is pointless, but what’s the point of life if you don’t follow your dreams? What’s the point of being alive if you’re not actually doing the things you want to do? I am afraid of never reaching my dreams, following my heart, going where my drifter soul wants to go.

I am afraid of being close to people. Opening up to people is so freakin’ scary because there is always the risk that they won’t get you, or they’ll judge you, laugh at you, pretend they care and then leave you. I don’t like getting close to a lot of people in fear they’ll think I’m clingy or annoying. I hate feeling like I’m annoying.

I am afraid of being sad. I kind of laughed when I wrote this one down because I feel like I’m such a paradox. I want to be happy, yet I thrive on things that make me sad. That’s confusing. Maybe it’s because when I am feeling happy, I usually think I don’t deserve it, so I hold onto the things that bring me sadness.

I am afraid of regret. I am afraid I’ll regret things I’ve done, and regret things I haven’t done. Like there’s no win-win. Sometimes I find it odd when people say they want to have no regrets, but is that even possible? I feel like we will always regret something.

Apparently I am afraid of everything. Life is great.

xoxo

 

Life

This Too Shall Pass: My Journey With Suicide

I distinctly remember the first time I truly wanted to die. I was applying to borading school and in order to be allowed to go, my doctor would need to talk with the nurses there to make sure they knew what my deal was.

I was a recovering anorexic.

I hated this. This made me want to end my life. The fact that I would never be able to wipe the slate clean on my past made me want to kick and scream.

I wish I was dead. That’s what I wrote in my journal that day. And then I gave up on going to boarding school until I could go without needing to inform the world of my problems.

Looking back now, obvously, this doesn’t seem like a big deal. I’ll tell anyone who is interested that I used to have an eating disorder. It’s not shameful anymore. But back then, when I was still suffering in the stigma that surrounded anorexia, this was a big deal. I had no desire for anyone to know my secrets.

From this point on, I began to think that suicide was a valid option to get rid of my pain and sadness. I would teter between days of being motivated to live and then days where all I wanted to do was die. It was a constant roller coaster.

One I could never get off.

I think when people know someone is suicidal, they assume they’re holding a gun to their head, when in reality (and in my case), we are not actively trying to kill ourselves, but we wouldn’t necessarily be disappointed if we died.

Up until this spring, I refused to wear my seatbelt in hopes we would crash and I would not make it. (I only wear it now because our new car beeps outrageously). I remember driving back home one night, crying, tears rolling down my face, and all I could think of was how much I wish I could just swerve and hit a tree or something. I wanted to end everything because then people wouldn’t have to deal with me.

I also stopped looking whenever we crossed the road or train tracks, in hopes something would it me. It was okay to risk it because, best case senario, I would die. And the worst thing? I stopped caring about using sunscreen in the hopes I would get cancer and eventually die.

These things are terrible, and it’s hard to even write it down. I feel like a such a horrible person voicing these thoughts out loud, but honesty can be freeing. 

My journey with suicide continues today. It’s a constant battle and they days seem to be more bad than good, lately. It comes in waves. I can be fine for weeks, then fall apart for a couple days, or be happy for a whole day, then sad all night. It scares me sometimes because, lately my first reaction to my pain is that everything would be better if I just wasn’t here anymore. And this shoulnd’t be my first thought.

It can be terrifying, even to myself, how my brain works. I have a hard time controlling my emotions and most of the time feel as though I’m drowning and I can’t breathe. That is not something you want to feel. It’s a feeling of too much pressure. Like all your bones could snap at any moment, and your heart might burst.

 

One Way Road Sign on Concrete Wall, Vancouver, British Columbia

 

How I’m dealing?

To be completely honest, I haven’t really been dealing with anything very well lately. Usually, my coping mechinism involves talking with my Mom, but I haven’t wanted her to worry, so I don’t say anything. And that does not help. Talking about our feelings is always okay, even when you feel asamed or unworthy. You are allowed to share your pain with others without being judged. 

I have been trying to push everything down, put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. Especially at work. The other day, I cried on the whole drive to work, but upon getting there, I wiped my tears, smiled, and pretended everything was fine. The day went surprisingly well. Sometimes you just need a break from the thoughts, and some good laughs.

My favorite method of enduring the pain is a simple saying: This Too Shall Pass.

Simple, yet completely true. Everything eventually passes, and until it does, we must be gentle with oursleves. Beating myself up for feeling a certain way only makes things worse, so I try to remind myself that this too shall pass, and focus on something good.

 

xoxo

Tayla

*If you or someone you know if struggling with suicide please find help. The suicide prevention hotline # 1-800-273-8255 or visit Suicide Prevention, and TWLOHA for help.

Anorexia, Life, Personal