I’m sitting here letting the tears spill out. My nose is stuffed up and I can’t breathe. I feel so much guilt that I want to rip my skin off. I want to run away, but how can you run away from yourself?
My Mom called me telling me that my Dad had a dream about you. In it you gave him a big hug and said you had to come back to look after me. This threw me into a tailspin of emotions. I’m realizing that I’ve never dealt with your death or our breakup in any way. I just put it in my box of other shit that went wrong and stacked it on the shelf in the back of my closet. In waves you come back to my memory, sometimes in good ways, like when I realize I am who I am because you loved me. But also in bad ways, like when my overwhelming guilt takes over and I can’t even move. I drop to the floor and just want to tear myself apart, rip my hair out, make myself hurt.
The part where you said you were back to look after me really gets me. Because even up until the day you passed you were always looking out for me. Throughout our whole relationship I was a mess, and yet, you continued, regardless of how it affected you, picked me up and loved me. When we would fight, you were the first to say I’m sorry and forgive, and when we broke up, yeah you got mad, but you still wanted me to be happy, whatever it took. You gave me money when I didn’t have any, bought me hiking gear when it had no benefit to you, and constantly said you believed in my when I couldn’t see it myself.
So when you decided you didn’t want to be here, the guilt I felt was too much to handle. I boxed it up. But for some reason, it’s fallen out of the closet and smashed open on the floor. Now I’m left to either slam it back in the box and put it back on the shelf or look through it and deal with it.
I broke down tonight, and last week. I broke down to where I was screaming that I was sorry and that I didn’t mean to hurt you so many times. I feel like I was constantly hurting you, but you were too nice to say anything. You took my shit, and loved me through it without question.
I love people the way you did now, because of you. But I wish more than anything I could love you that way. I wish I could have a chance to show you how much I loved you, how much I do love you still. I hope you do come down from wherever you are and help me. Help me figure out what to do. I need you more than ever right now. Love me and tell me I’m worth it. Because, honestly the last couple of weeks, I think more about ending it, just so I can be with you again, and to erase the pain I can’t seem to heal.
I don’t want to continue to feel this deep sadness I’ve been feeling. Help me.